Whenever I write these I always say to myself: “Who wouldn’t enjoy an update on my life?” And then I close the file and stop writing. And then I end up doing it anyways because I can’t sleep yet. This is another sterling example of that. I’m down in the valley right now and just got to see my dear friend Brown, who is single for all of you ladies out there interested in a upstandin’ fella’. I have to work at Kohl’s tomorrow…. today at ten o’clock in the morning so I really should be sleeping but there’s kind of a lot on my mind right now. First of all it’s been kind of a turbulent few days. You know when you have those dreams that seem to stick with you forever? That was my Wednesday night and I’m still not very pleased about it. Without being too creepy and specific I had a dream about someone I care for very much but don’t get to talk to very often. She was very upset but I could do nothing to reach her and only received the cold shoulder from her and her family. The family part was even more upsetting because at one point and I suppose even currently I look up to them. Her dad is one cool dude who works hard for his family while still pursuing his interests and ranks pretty high in my list of inspiring people. Of course in the dream he was the one that despised me most! In any case I did my best only to turn away and give up in frustration. One can only take so much I guess. When I woke up I had the same feeling of defeat and I could not shake it. I missed philosophy because I decided to go house hunting for me and Brown and that helped me feel a little better. I’m still a little frustrated in how hard it is to sort out all of the things you need to know in order to find a house or apartment. I suppose that leaving empty-handed only added to the bitter flavor of the day. Although it’s really getting late and I’m going to pay for it tomorrow I really appreciate the freedom in being able to write a note like this. If you don’t care then for future reference don’t read! If you do care I hope that you leave with a better understanding of how I feel right now. I’m probably not the easiest person to understand sometimes but I do my best. That dream is still on my mind tonight as it has been for the last few but it has subsided to a mere curiosity. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do in a situation like this and looking with a sort of disconnected perspective it’s almost kind of funny. I do my best to persuade myself to think one way but my true nature always combats with it and leads to frustration. When my true nature reigns I seem to naturally put on different airs just for the hell of it. It just doesn’t make sense and even realizing this there’s not much to be done about it. I will do what I will do and learn from mistakes and celebrate victories. Right now I’m just hoping that a few of the things I have in mind go smoothly. In particular I’d like to be able to do research next year and in particular I’d like to regain some of the balance I thought I had before college. I have severely altered so many facets of my life and I have learned a lot from it, but I think its past time to reflect on those experiences and formulate a new strategy. That sounded really nerdy and control-freakish I bet. I would like to regain some of the things I have lost in the past few years as well, especially the things that I was so foolish to throw away. I live everyday with those thoughts in the back of my mind and although I know it’s foolish to have regrets I can’t really help but feel the way I feel about it. My lack of foresight has led to many frustrations now but I’m doing my best to correct my errors and make things right again. Sometimes it feels like I just lost my chance entirely but living on that notion seems to be a little too pessimistic for me. All I can do is hope for luck and rely on my hopefully continuing clarity. I feel a bit more accomplished now, and I haven’t really told you anything at all! I’m pretty sure that’s how this is supposed to be so I can rest easily knowing that I successfully posted a newer and not so emo journal entry.